


Promise Me Forever

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24727309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: When Maddie finds a suicide note written to her from Chimney, she rushes to the firehouse in a panic, only to discover it was written two weeks previously.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	Promise Me Forever

Maddie finds herself pacing up and down the floor of the firehouse, trying to ignore the way her entire body is shaking. She angrily wipes at the tears that keep making their way down her face, her other hand tightly gripping at a crumpled, tear stained piece of paper. Her heart thumps uncomfortably against her chest, and she knows it won’t be possible to calm down until she sees him. Until she knows he’s okay. He has to be okay.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been there before both the ambulance and the fire truck pull into the building. It’s Hen who spots her first, a confused look on her face before she grabs Chimney and whispers something in his ear, causing him to run over to her without a moments hesitation. She knows she looks terrible, but the look on his face confirms it, “Maddie? H-hey, what’s wrong? Has something happened? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?”

The concern in his voice would usually be comforting, it would usually be enough to make her feel safe but right then, she can’t help but question its validity. This is the same man who wrote the note she’s holding so tightly in her hand, the same man who was so willing to leave her and their baby. Was he really concerned about their wellbeing?

She pushes it back though, ignoring her brother when he joins her boyfriend. “I need to talk to you, alone.” No one questions either of them when Chimney nods his head, pulling her into the always empty Captain’s office. The moment the door is closed, and they’re alone, she slams the note into his chest, the overwhelming sadness she feels quickly being replaced by indescribable anger. “You’re going to kill yourself? And this is what you leave me with? When exactly are you planning on leaving me, Howard? With nothing more than a fucking note to explain to our daughter that daddy chose to leave us? When the fuck—”

“Maddie. No-no.” They’ve had minor arguments before, but this is the first time he’s seen her actually angry. And he knows it’s justified, he knows he’d have the exact same reaction if he had found a note she had written saying goodbye to him and their daughter. He _knows_ but knowing doesn’t help anything right then. He feels as though he’s going to throw up, there’s a lump rising in his chest, that he manages to force down as his fists clench over the piece of paper.

He knew he should have thrown it away but it was meant to serve as a self-reminder. It was meant to be something to help him, instead, it’s had the opposite effect on his girlfriend. His pregnant girlfriend. His pregnant hyperventilating, sobbing girlfriend. Because of him.

“I love you, I love you both so much but I can’t hold you back anymore. I can’t be the person you deserve.” Maddie speaks, every word laced simultaneously with spite and sadness, and it kills him to know she’s read it enough times to memorise it, “You will both be better off without me, I refuse to destroy either of you, this is the kindest…” She trails off, shoving him back, “This is the kindest thing I can do.” He doesn’t fight back when she shoves him again until his back is against the wall and he can’t go any further. “Please remember that I love you both so much but I can’t be the husband or the dad you deserve.” Every word is accompanied by a punch to his chest and a broken sob until she collapses.

It hurts in every way possible – physically and emotionally – because he never wanted her to know exactly what was going through his head in his darkest moment. It had been a bad day, a bad week, sometimes it just felt like a bad fucking life but he was still there. He had written the note on a whim as Maddie slept, too caught up in another anxiety attack. It had been that way since Albert had accidentally blurted out to their dad that he was about to become a parent – only for the man to turn around and remind Howard that he had no right bringing a child into the world. That he wasn’t enough, he would never be enough.

The moment the note had been written, the moment he had penned his final goodbye, he realised it wasn’t what he wanted at all. He didn’t want to leave Maddie, he didn’t want to never meet their unborn daughter, he wanted to have a good life. He had only made one goodbye that night – to his father.

He hadn’t thrown away the note, but he wishes he had more than anything.

He’s entirely certain that the entire firehouse can hear the devastated wails of his girlfriend, as he drops to his knees to wrap both arms around her as tightly as he manage. He ignores her attempts to push him off, “I felt that way that particular night and I wrote it down, okay? I wrote—I had every intention of acting on it and I hate myself for that. But I didn’t. This was two weeks ago, Maddie, two weeks ago when I just couldn’t imagine ever being able to give you or our daughter anything that you couldn’t find somewhere else. I-I… I’m so sorry, I never wanted you to find out. The moment it was all out on paper I made a different decision, one I’m glad I made.”

He takes a deep breath, wishing he could stop the way his own body is shaking right then, hating himself for letting the tears fall when all he wants is for her to breath, to stop crying. “Please, please Maddie, please believe me. I-I kept it to remind myself of what was the worst moment of my life, and I can’t imagine ever acting on it now, okay? Please, I need you to breathe right now because I’m scared.”

“I-I’m s-scared.” Is all she gasps out in response, her fingers clenching tightly around his uniform shirt, “I know, I know baby… I scared myself, that’s why I didn’t tell you. I’ve read that letter so many times since and I can’t believe I thought you’d ever be better off without me, I just let him get to me. I just let everything get to me. But I’m trying, I-I’ve started some medication—I’m _trying_ so I never get back to that place, please… please believe me.”

Her body tenses, but the sobbing eases ever so slightly, “You never tell me anything. You expect me to tell you everything but you don’t even trust me. I’m carrying your child and you don’t even—tell me anything, I don’t know anything about you.”

“No, that’s not true – you know everything that matters about me, everything—I just, I don’t know if the medication will work and I needed to give it time.” He’s trying to keep his voice as calm as possible, even if it’s everything he doesn’t feel right then. He hates himself for writing the note, for letting her find it, he’s angry because he even felt that way in the first place and he’s devastated that even for a moment, she doubts his trust for her. “I promise I’ll tell you if I ever feel—”

He’s cut off by the sudden removal of her body from his, as she scrambles up and practically jumps back as though he’s slapped her. “No, I can’t… you don’t… you don’t tell me anything. You don’t—I keep giving and you’re just—hiding from me all the time. I can’t do this with you. You keep promising me forever, you keep promising me the truth and you don’t mean it. You never mean it. I can’t do this anymore, Howie. I can’t fight a fight I don’t even know about anymore.”

Chimney finds himself up on his own feet in seconds, a twisting in his stomach, not recognising the look on her face right then. “You gave up on me two weeks ago and I didn’t even know about it.”

“That’s not tr—”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“Maddie-“

She shakes her head, pushing his hand away from her, “No-no, I can’t—you keep lying to me, you keep hiding yourself from me like I can’t handle it. I deserve better, you were right about that.” It’s the look of complete betrayal he’s seeing, forcing him to long for the ability to turn back time, to tell her everything. About the argument with his dad, the fact he wanted to kill himself in the first place, that he had planned it all out so perfectly only to change his mind, that he had made the decision to say goodbye to the man who never loved him in a way he deserved, that he had gone back to therapy and finally said yes to the anxiety medication he probably should have been on years ago.

He hates himself because she’s right. He made her promise that there would be no more secrets, only to slap her in the face with his own secrets. He doesn’t stop her when she walks out, having been so willing to leave her just two weeks previously, he doesn’t blame her for wanting to do the same.

* * *

It takes a few hours for the guilt and self-loathing to settle in. A few hours of running through every moment since she had first found the letter, since she had read it at least ten times, until she found herself standing in front of him. The plans she had formulated in her own brain on the drive to the firehouse had gone out the window the moment she saw that he was okay.

The anger had appeared suddenly, completely out of control, angrier than she could remember being in her entire life. She wanted to hate him, she wanted to scream at him, she wanted to _hit_ him and she had never felt that level of rage before. And it wasn’t even him she was mad at, it was herself. Because he had been sitting on that suicide note for two weeks, and she had been clueless. They had sat and watched movies, made dinner together, laughed, smiled, made love… and the entire time she had no idea what was truly going through his head.

It’s the level of self-doubt she feels as it runs through her head over and over again – wondering what kiss would have been their last, exactly when the last time his arms wrapped around her and he thought, he’d never hold her again, or when he last told their unborn daughter that he loved her more than anything. When did he know that he didn’t want to be there to see her birth?

She had barely acknowledged when he told her he had gotten help, that he was on medication, that he had said goodbye to the one man who could so significantly damage his self-esteem in so few words. Now, it was all she could think about as she was driving back to the firehouse, knowing he still had one hour left of his shift, hoping more than anything that he decided to see it through instead of…

Maddie shakes that thought off as quickly as she can, wiping angrily at the tears that make their way down pale cheeks. She wishes she could have listened, that she could have taken in that information and reacted differently. But she had been too caught up in her own thoughts, imagining saying goodbye to him, creating an image of their daughter and having to explain to her that daddy made the decision himself. He didn’t die a hero, he didn’t die fighting to come back home, he just… stopped fighting, chose to leave them.

She can barely breathe as she practically runs (as fast as she possibly can with her twenty-four week still growing bump) into the firehouse. This time, it’s her brother who spots her first, a look of pure concern on his face, and it takes her a few seconds to realise he’s waving her phone in the air. That was why she hadn’t heard from anyone, she hadn’t even realised when she had gone running from the building, thankful they were halfway through a shift.

Buck is the one that comes to her, making his way down the stairs with ease, “Chimney managed to cry himself to sleep, Hen is with him in the bunks.” For just a moment, the concern in his eyes is replaced with slight judgement, and she knows he has no idea what happened or what they were arguing about in the first place.

“C-can I see him?” She doesn’t know why she’s asking, he has no control over what she does or doesn’t do but she also knows how protective they are of each other, how much her brother loves Chimney.

If he thinks the question is a strange one, he doesn’t show it, just shrugging his shoulder and taking her hand, “Are you okay, Mads? You-we heard you crying which is putting it lightly. It sounded like something was really, really wrong and you know if there’s something, you can talk to me about it, right?”

“I know but it’s not my thing to talk about. I just need to see him.” He only nods his head in response, and she’s glad he doesn’t push any further, his hand tightly squeezing hers instead, leading her to the room that contains her Howie.

She almost forces him to pause, her heart clenching, her stomach twisting and her head pounding. She doesn’t even know if he’s her Howie anymore, if he even wants to see her, if he wants to be near her. She had told him she was done in a vulnerable moment, she had walked out, she had left him behind. If he hated her, if he never wanted to trust her again, she couldn’t blame him. Instead, she watches as her brother opens the door, “Hen?”

“What is it Buck?”

The voice of the woman she can’t see just yet sounds impatient, pissed off, and Maddie can’t help but wonder if she’s even needed, let alone wanted. He has his best friend – did Hen know what he had planned on doing? Did she know what they argued over? The thought of him confiding in her filled her with jealousy, and she hates herself for it.

“Maddie’s back…”

“I literally just got him to sleep.” Hen is definitely mad at her, her eyes close in response, her body trembling but still, it’s her brother who pushes her forward, letting go of her hand so he can force her into the room. Her bottom lip quivers and the tears fall even when she thinks she had no tears left to cry.

It doesn’t appear as though her brother is having any of it, “Hen, come on, leave them.” There’s a sigh in the darkened room, but she can hear the sound of the woman moving until she’s standing next to them, “I don’t know what’s going on but I just spent hours trying to calm my best friend down after you walked out on him.” She’s surprised at the lack of anger in the voice, coated only with complete concern for, she assumes, Chimney, until there’s a gentle hand on her cheek, “Whatever happened, he loves you and that little baby so much.”

She doesn’t trust herself to speak, instead only nodding her head before the two slip out and shut the door behind them. It’s easy to follow the hitched breathing of the man she loves so much, easily slipping into the place Hen left for her, “You came back.” She doesn’t know when he woke up, but she’s thankful to hear no malice in his voice, even more thankful that instead of pulling away from her, he pulls her closer to him.

“Always.” She whispers, shifting just a little to rest her head on his chest, “I-I’m so sorry, I should have listened to you. I’m still so angry but I should have listened to you. I should have… _heard_ you.”

“Don’t be sorry, you had… e-every right. I would have been angry, too… I just… I think I’m doing the right thing by not telling you and then time passes and it gets too hard to say the words out loud. I-I didn’t… didn’t know how to say it out loud. I didn’t know how to tell you that I was even thinking of leaving you.”

He’s crying, she can feel the wetness of his tears on the top of her head, “I never wanted to leave you. I just – for a little while – thought you’d be better off without me. Always calming me down from yet another anxiety attack, always supporting me when I should be supporting you—”

“It’s not always and even if it was, I wouldn’t care. It’s equal, that’s the best thing about us. I need to know what you’re feeling though, Howie because—I’ve just spent two weeks thinking everything is okay when it wasn’t. I didn’t know that you were at your lowest point and I could have been there to pick you back up—y-you didn’t need me.”

Maybe that was what hurt the most. In the most selfish way possible – that he had sought help and gotten it without her.

“I’ll always need you, I just didn’t want to hurt you but…” He lets out a broken sob and she pulls him closer, gripping onto his already soaked shirt as she cries. “I-I hurt you anyway and I can’t… I can’t change that but I wish I could. More than anything. I wish I could. But it wasn’t done out of malice or intention… I-I just… I just wanted you t-to feel safe and loved… I was worried you wouldn’t feel either of those things if you knew what I had wanted to do that one night.”

“You promise it was just that one night?” It sounded insignificant when she worded it that way – it wasn’t _just_ anything, the love of her life had thought a world without him would be better. Even if had only been for a second, it wouldn’t have been ‘just’ anything, it would have been a second too long.

“I wrote it down, Maddie and I… I realised for the first time that I wasn’t the problem, that he was. I needed to stop making it so easy for him to break me. I-I think it was what I needed, to hit rock bottom… I needed that but I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not telling you.”

“Promise me forever, Howie. Promise me you won’t leave me intentionally. Promise me you won’t leave us if you have a choice.”

Perhaps it’s not fair to ask that of him, but he nods anyway, “I promise I’ll give you and our little girl and any future children we may or may not have, every single day of my life. I promise I’ll never leave you if I have a choice, I promise I’ll fight for you, I’ll fight for me.”

It’s enough. It’s not everything she needs to know, but it’s enough for right then.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.” She’s too tired to argue, just this one time, breathing him in completely instead, listening to the way his heart beats against his chest.


End file.
